VOICES OF INSANITY

I have had enough this year. I have been beaten into the ground, left questioning everything i know, everything about me and honestly all but broken. Enough, this ends. I know that I am my own worst enemy. I need schedule and routine and I have deprived myself of this in order to please others and well.. enough..

So here is to holding me accountable

1. I will – meticulously track my purchases and avoid frivolous expenses which has lead to a ballooning of my personal debt and caused much grief. Sure being out of work for a few months, moving to a whole new city, and not having any clothing for winter did attribute to it. Throw in the divorce and the need for all new furniture it makes sense but debt is never sensible. And I have had enough. This ends, I will end this debt load before the end of the next year.
2. I will work out diligently averaging anywhere between 5 to 14 times a week. That is a 200% range but that is what I am committing to. A minimum of 5 and well ideally 14.
3. I will supplement assiduously and not take that lightly either.
4. I will get a a scale and get some pre and post pictures in a month. What gets tracked gets improved, what does not suffers.
5. I will fix my diet and that to me means, no meat, no junk food, no sweets (yea is the holidays but I believe I can) and the hardest yet – no alcohol.
6. I will journal more frequently and since more frequently is a vague comment, I will update this at least once a week.

So here is to my journey of getting out from over 50k in debt , being 15 lbs overweight or whatever that body fat percentage is to getting it 8-10 percent in the long term and under 20-15% in the immediate to near term future

Here is to the dawn of a new me, one I have always known and let go.

~VOI

Basically sums up my process of moving and packing or anything associated with it.  The movers and packers come on the 5th and I have yet to start anything. ANYTHING ! I am taking procrastination and converting it to a fine art form.  On the bright side I did find a friend to drive along with me for 14 ish hours in a 32 hour road trip, or about 42 % of the time. That in itself is awesome because I don’t need to alone the entire way! I even think I planned the route which is great, all I need to do is to book places to stay along the route. Reminds me I need to find the damn data cable for my camera. Ugh !

~VOI

So I have finally managed to get my packing and moving sorted out. In typical fashion the move will take pack and then the movers will deliver everything on the 21st. I start work on the 22nd. I mean even if you tried you couldn’t get it to be cut this close. I also managed to find a mover in Cleveland that was able to commit to the date so I dont have to worry about how to go about moving it all from the trailer to the apartment. Of course all of this was delayed thanks to some really slow service from the manager at the apartment I rented who I am beginning to think

As to how I am driving from Phoenix to Cleveland, well I haven’t quite figured that out. I did however get new wheels/tires and get the car services so it is good to go about 2600 miles ish ! This should be entertaining to say the least esp given that I will be driving alone.  Maybe I will get some good pictures along the way.. Ah I must remember to pack the camera separately.

So besides being a nervous wreck and faking it till I make it, I think it is going to be ok. I know that failure is not an option so i will try twice as hard and twice as long before I even come back to phoenix.

So here it is
– 32 more days till I start
– 7 more days till I give my notice
– 12 days till I fly out and see the apartment.

Ah and the fun has yet to begin and I am already losing sleep thinking about this !!

I am beyond nervous about this move. Since the day i signed the offer I have had headaches basically every day and fell sick right after. Well the sickness had more to do with me being reckless and playin’ tonsil hockey with someone who was sick but regardless it doesn’t help the situation

Trying to find an apartment has been nothing short of a nightmare and for whatever reason the apartment managers never find the need to reply to an email in a time sensitive manner. Maybe its the holiday week, maybe it isn’t but either way I have reduced to becoming a fully functional walking ball of stress. Best part,  I cannot tell anything to anyone at work because this would then reduce the amount of hours I will get to work here ! Argh

This too will pass, this I know; but it cannot come soon enough.

~VOI

I guess I am moving to Cleveland… It will be fun not knowing a soul and not having a social support structure. I have no clue what the heck I am going to do and I sure as heck have no clue how to run this dept. that I should be running starting August. How the hell am I going to do this in a union shop of all places. Worst part yet, I am predominantly pro union but then I get to go in and be a manager and get viewed as a constant threat… How fun.

So the best part yet of this 2000+ mile move and road trip is actually moving. When I got divorced and moved out all I had was clothes. That was it. There was nothing more. I moved in with a friend who had a furnished spare bedroom and all I had to do was show up and say, ” Hey I will be staying here for a while”

Now I have to drag all this furniture and utensils and what not to go across the damn country to a place I have literally only been twice for a very very short stay. I think both trips get me a grand total of less than 96 hours there.  Oh and by all this furniture I mean a small dining table, 4 chairs, a couch and a bedroom set. I mean, let keep it real it isn’t all that much. Heck I am sure I could put it all in a pod and haul it myself but I think I will be working the first week of august and into the second week before leaving on the 3rd week.

Interesting times lay ahead is the least I can say. So lets recap 2017 real quick

1. Broke up with a complete nut I was dating to the point where I was going what was I thinking when it was done. The fiscal damage was real but what i came to realize from it was invaluable.
2. Got canned from a job because I was not the least bit apologetic for the things I did and said I would do it all over again. Lesson learned – Whatever it is , deny deny deny. Also, to calm down and not speak in anger. I mean, I knew this but …once I am in CLE maybe I will take up meditation or something.
3. I have no idea what I am doing

I guess I get to stay and fight on.

~ VOI

3 more days for mercury to get out of retrograde , and if nothing else the communication gets better. So I’m told. I also wonder what this means in terms of my work since miscommunication is rife.

5 more days till my next appointment with my therapist which in all honesty could not have come any sooner. God knows I need the help.

7 more days till I start to move into my own place. I am so excited to get packing and moving all the hings I hauled from my old house to my friends apartment and now into my own apartment. This is so much fun because I have no free time to accomplish this is.

9 more days till the furniture is all delivered which has been instrumental in increasing the budgetary chaos in my life. Having said that if you are looking for mid century modern in Phoenix, AZ then Copenhagen Furniture is the place to go be poor at.

10 more days till I get a puppy and add more chaos to my chaotic life. Because you know, thats what i need in the middle of a move , the chaos at work, and personal life and the uncertainty around this current dalliance I find myself in.

12 more days till I am left all alone in the house with a new puppy and how on earth I will make that work is beyond me.

If nothing else this should make up for an exciting few days

~voi

I reviewed 2015 last year and I think I should do the same for 2016.

1. We managed to get the home loan down to less than half – I got to walk away from it.

2. I managed to grow my first pecans, figs and kept the banana tree and the papaya plant in full bloom – And I got to walk away from those

3. I managed to eliminate my debt to a 1/3rd – and now it is back to a painful level

4. I managed to heal my left torn rotator cuff, I think I managed to injure the right one.

5. I managed to cling on to my job fighting baseless allegations . I almost let that go and walked away.

6. I got to vacation with Sofia in Vancouver. I would have done more had I known it would be the last time we were to travel together.

7. I got to live 7 years of my life with someone and have nothing to show for it, except a ring which I never wore, and honestly did not care for.

I am clearly feeling weak, I wish I could fix everything but I cannot. Here I am , alone, in a friends apartment, with not a thing to show for life, 7 years in. This too shall pass ?

~voi

The opposite of love is not hate, hate is love gone bad, or corrupted if you may. The opposite of love is apathy. While I may not have ever been apathetic to my ex, I went from loving you, to having love for you. I wish I knew why and how.

On that note, I caught myself thinking about my recent amorous liaison and where things were headed. I found myself fearful of 2 thing,

1. I may be taken advantage of financially when I am already in a precarious position
2. The extent of the feeling may not be mutual and that I may be in it more; though I am unsure of the importance of an emotion that is all or none.

As I wound up thinking of this, I found myself perturbed (and understandably so) and this caused much mental angst. Then I found this causing much skepticism and making me over analyze what was and what was not. I felt this great need to control the situation, control the events and the emotions and the greater this need was the greater my angst was at my inability to do so.

I then realized, amidst all my efforts to manipulate the situation and  attempts to engineer it to bring about a desired outcome of which I myself was not sure what I wanted I had failed to enjoy the fleeting moment in which this emotion existed. The time I spent worrying about potential long term outcomes in a situation on which I have no control caused me to not enjoy that feeling of love, whatever its extent and that moment was not coming back. I found myself slipping back into the age old problem of wanting permanence or willfully wanting to suffer the illusion of one,  when nothing is. Nothing.

I guess what I was getting to is all we have is this fleeting moment of happiness and that we shouldn’t lose it to overthinking. Now I understand the need to be skeptical and not be overindulgent but the cards have been dealt. Whether I like it or not the game is afoot and I can chose to look at my hand and play it the best I can or just worry about the cards. Either way, they have been dealt.

I am at a point where I know full well that there isn’t another round to play, might as well go all in. It is not like you can take them home with you, whatever that home may or maynot be.

~voi

Well then, lets talk about a whirlwind. In the past 7 months two things have stood out as far as events in my life go.

1. Getting divorced. One day I realized I had enough and I could not keep up with my lying and cheating, not just on her but with myself. It has been over for years but I just had to grow up and accept it. Here I am, 37, divorced, with not a thing to my name. The year ahead promises to be entertaining at the least.
2. HR nightmare. This one seems like a recurrent bad dream. I dont see why someone is out to get me, but they sure as hell seem like it. They sure have not given up and I sure as hell have not quit so this will be continuing. So far I have been falsely accused of harassment, discrimination and just whatever else comes to their mind. At this point they should just come out in the open and mutiny but then that would mean that I think they have the courage and wherewithal to do that.

So now what ? Where to from here ? I managed to move into an apartment with my friend and will move into my own in the next month or so.  So much more to write but I am going to have to leave. At least I managed to write a few words today. Hopefully I can try making this a practice.